An Autobiography of Nobody by Michael Scott Lewis Which questions to ask? Still, I wonder ... Romance, adventure, drama, comedy, and action ... my life reels off from the karmic wheel as a universal motion picture--a cacophony of light and sound spun from the spool of untamed mystery, threaded into my body, and launched as a genetically woven magic carpet ride across kurrently kloudy Kansas skies. Born May 3, 1970 @ 12:50 AM in Oxnard, Kalifornia, at the Port Hueneme Naval station hospital, less than one mile from theundulating significance of the Pacific Ocean--very near where the edge of the most radically cultural state of the most radically cultural nation meets up with the largest body of water--the planet mother womb, from which sprang like a mutant sprite, the prehistoric sludge goo that evolved over 5 billion years into the biopsycic masterpiece-of-an-entity that I am today--birthed again out of the dark void onto the edge of a continent, the edge of an ocean--and the edge of my consciousness peaks over the brim of this rusty, rambling paradise of a world. These kinds of archetypal juxtapositions--where the intensity of impinging forces butt up against eachother, requiring the ingenious fusion of extremes--is a typical pattern, continuing to unfold, through the enigma of my life. When I was four or five, my parents divorced. Although I do not recall the dramatic, emotional turmoil of the time, I can imagine myself being such a young boy, helplessly observing the foundational structure of my world--the concept of my parents--becoming a divided reality--and believing that I must somehow choose a side. Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Caught upon the tearing seam, between the separation of diverging forces of such psychological magnitude--I've found myself very challenged to make important decisions ever since. Looking to my natal chart, you may take notice to the general layout as a finely balanced composition of extremes: the six inner planets of the solar system--including the Sun, Moon, Saturn, Mercury, Venus, and Marz--are splayed out across the four bottom houses, positioned in balance between the rising and descending lines. The remaining outer planets--Jupiter, Pluto, Neptune, Uranus--and the Vertex point, and the Part of Fortune, are equally distributed across and balanced in the upper four houses. I see an ?hourglass? form taking shape. And between these two opposing sides of top and bottom, inner and outer, past and future--exists the essential tension of my being, the sands of divine consciousness dripping across a vacuum of space, the cosmic grains of star dust settling itself upon a lifetime just an eye blink short of eternity. Do you want to know my deepest secrets? Even to me, they emerge slowly, gradually as spring flowers through the melting layers of snow. Or slowly, gradually--as some kind of twisted soul-monster rising out of the dank grave I was never even supposed to know had held death, and been buried. With time, all secrets rise and fly free. But I like to hold on until the wings grow strong. And some birds even choose not to leave the open cage of this heart ... be them doves or ravens. Such secrets will live and grow, hiding in the sleepy chambers between a faithful heart, and a closed mouth. I had some very unusual sleeping patterns as a young child. After my parents divorced, I began to sleep walk (or sometimes sleep run) amidst incredibly terrifying nightmares. As I got older, at ages 8 through 13, the nightmares got increasingly intense. In the field of psychology, there is a common distinction between "nightmares," and a much more rare and intensified dream state referred to as "night terrors." I've only met two other people who describe anything like what I've experienced. In these dreams states (which I hesitate to call dream states), I would often find myself fixed within a massive void of darkness and space, expanding out in all directions towards infinity. And beyond SEEING this void, I would also FEEL the incredible expansiveness reaching farther and farther beyond the possible comprehension of my body or mind. And I could also HEAR this void as an absence of sound so perfectly still and quiet--that the amplitude of zeros' holler would voice in my ears like the thunder of the cosmos, and the cracking bells of the eternal now. Floundering within the volatile combination of all these intense sensations--lost in an emptiness of no-where to go but everywhere at once--with the heavy stone of solitary TRUTH, and every foundation of existence teetering upon the bottomless depths of an undeniable nothingness--I might find myself coming into wakefulness, naked and running through the dark outside my parents house--and screaming in utter horror at the top of my lungs for the neiborhood, and all the sleeping world to hear ... and maybe even begin to accept. I'm inherently insecure and scarred shitless at my core. Throughout my earlier years, I was EXTREMELY shy and reserved in social settings. In highschool, I spent the first year and a half as a complete loner who whore all black, day dreamed about building bomb shelters, and made plans about how I would survive World War 3. Eventually, I made some friends in the Drama department, learned how to express my energy on stage--and probably saved myself from executing a kind of black-trenchcoat-and-shotgun-like-massacre that are becoming increasingly popular these days. I moved through a Punk stage, then a New Wave stage, and by the time that I graduated I had refined my own sense of personal sheik style--a collaborative influence between DePeche Mode and Frank Sinatra, and had established a social life in the metro dance scene of Portland, Oregon. Then I began college much the same way as the first cycle--isolating myself for the first year, and then finally falling into the geek-punk-drama-nerd-hippie and various other kinds of black sheep crowd. I began my education with a focus in psychology, then switched to creative writing and literature--through it all, I continued theater, took plenty of LSD and mushrooms, fell in love for the first time, and experienced the undeniable presence of God while staring sober at a blank, white wall in my apartment, rented above the local antique store. After I graduated, I moved onto a five acre chicken ranch in the country side with college friends for an extended college experience without classes or books. Getting my first long-term job as support staff in a group home of twelve emotionally disturbed female adolescents--I made leaps and bounds in my own personal transformation, and maybe helped some others along the way. In 1994, living out on this beautiful farm in green Willamette Valley countryside, I had a major spiritual awakening and vision of my life path. Having fallen in love for a second time--even deeper this time--the opening of my heart, and awakening of my mind induced a discovery of an inherent ability to have precognitive dreams--and know the future. I felt moved to relocate to the Kalifornia, Bay Area, following my intuition, and my literal dreams. Ever since arriving in the Bay Area, my life has been accelerating toward some kind of escape velocity--and it has been a free buffet of every kind of flavor of experience. In the summer of 1995, I lived for 3 months on a sailboat with my sister in a marina just one mile from the spot where I was born. Floating only on the essentials of a life of simplicity, I died a kind of death which allowed me to meet my third, and deepest love on a train traveling between Los Angeles and Seattle. Together, we entered the trials of a trying and beautiful relationship which began to falter the moment I questioned my willingness to remain committed. That decision has been pending ever since. Yes? No? Yes? No? Yes? No? Other astrological elements in my chart also reflect the archetype of impinging extreme forces. Among these, most prominent is my Sun in conjunction with Saturn: the heart light of my expansive vitality in direct contact with the dark entity of restriction and limitation. As the Sun represents the element of my passion for life and radiating love, and as Saturn represents the element of my tendency to death and primal fear--the near impossible synergy between these two requires that I make choices to manage the power of my mind with great discipline, and to speak only truth through the language of my heart. Without maintaining tight reigns on myself, my emotional and mental equalibriums may become widely nebulous and displaced. What a mess! Otherwise, while being responsible to my potential power, I grasp Saturn like a magnifying glass, and focus the energy of the sun into a sharp point, capable of piercing through any barrier--mental, physical, or spiritual--with great intensity. Having this potent configuration at the bottom of my chart, at the very roots of my being--makes for an opportunity to excavate far into the unfathomable caverns of my soul. Before I knew any of this, I wrote the following poem in 1992: The Heiress My daughter lit the wick of the sun. The sky was blind, but I saw her do it. She held the candle like a crayon. Those clouds moving along the horizon: she put them there with her fingers. They are cumulus, and full of puff. That was only my imagination. I have no daughter born, really. A princess. My kingdom for a princess. Poetry, music, and other smooth rhythms gallop like horses, unbridled over slope and plain. In pastures, ideas graze like plump heifers. Royal orchards are ripe with words like apricot, persimmon, and lime. But there is no child for the kingdom's devotion. What is the king doing confined in the dungeon? His hands are shackled. His eyes stare into the wall. Perhaps he was blinded trying to see too far, like the Cyclops who squints at the bulging sun. The king is still pregnant and waiting. The evening I wrote this poem, sitting at my desk, I fell into a Zen-like kind of mind state. Suddenly, these lines just pored through me--my fingers typing faster than my noggin could make meaning from the words. Before I knew it, I had placed some of my best work on the page--channeled, I believe--straight from a higher self. The poem is packed with multiple layers of inter-related meanings. Re-reading the poem over the years, I continue to find deeper significance into the karmic implications of past, present, and future lives. In numerology, if you add all the numbers of my birthday, the absolute sum will come out to 7. If you attribute a corresponding number to each letter within my birth name, the absolute sum will also come out to 7. The 16th tarot card is the tower. The 7th card is the Chariot. Each of these cards represents a variation upon the basic archetypes of balancing forces in extreme conflict. In 1997, after two passion-filled, highly transformative years with my last lover--I decided I wanted to separate and travel the world. Shortly after that decision, we became pregnant. We were certain the child would be a girl, and I felt the deepest significance and connection to that growing being. I had crossed lifetimes with this spirit before. I had never seriously considered the idea of being a father before. Surprisingly, I found the reality of impending fatherhood to fuel a tremendous light and passion within myself. "A princess! My kingdom for a princess!" The heavier implications of responsability, however, soon began to taint the clarity of my essential heart-knowing with the stark fear of losing what I then understood to be freedom. After some time, the fear began to overcome me. While my lover maintained, at first, to hold her decision to have the child no matter what my decision would be--my uncertainty and confusion wavered for too long, holding us each in a mix of a distorting joy and building anguish. After months, I could not find myself capable of making a stable decision. Becoming trapped in the labyrinth of my mind, and unable to clearly understand the language of my heart--our situation grew dangerously intense, as pregnancy continued on. At last, I made a resolve to fast, meditate, and pray in solitude for three straight days until I came to make a standing decision. On the eve of the third night, still unable to decipher my own will in the matter--I was desperate for a resolve. Starving for food, water, and an undeniable ANSWER--I prayed with complete surrender to the GREATEST POWERS THAT BE to show me the best path for all concerned. In utter desperation, I vowed, that any true guidance I received--I would follow. After balling out tears from the most humble spaces of my being, I collapsed in bed that night, falling into a deep sleep--where I then had the most incredibly insightful dream. If there is anything I would want to say straight out of this little autobiography--without sharing the description of the personal experience that brought this wisdom about--it is this: PAY ATTENTION, HAVE COURAGE, AND TRUST IN MAKING A LEAP OF FAITH NOW AND THEN. In numerology, 16 is considered a highly Karmic number. A number signifying major "karmic dept." We will all have opportunities to resolve our karmic entanglements in life. If this child had been born, I may have been much happier than I am today. I may have been more free. I'll never really know ... and that's just part of the pain I feel may continue to deal with for some time. But the worst part has been knowing that I HAD RECEIVED THE GUIDANCE I ASKED FOR ... yet at the crucial moment, FEAR snatched away my baby, the spirit of my lover, and a golden opportunity at realizing my own spiritual liberation. So ... there is the SIN and the PAIN of loss, flying away .... There is the SIN and the PAIN of betraying my own self and truth, flying away.... And there is the SIN and the PAIN of not forgiving myself ... That's the one black bird who's still trying to flap her sore wings and leave some free space in this broken heart. This child, her name ... is Nova Seven Darjeeling. Despite the loss ... she lit the wick of my heart. Yet, although that fire still shines bright--the nature of my initial fear tends to provoke those warm, pink flames into small infernoes--scorching the skin of my soul, and burning to ashes any paper-thin beginnings to my own forgiveness. Through what wild persistence may I finally hold the flame without fear? I continue to hope, and when I can, beam my love like a beacon until she returns again. Until then, this life continues to unfold as a mystery of perpetual trials towards liberation ... After all that drama, my life exploded into a supernova of creativity and expansive expression. I've spent the last year or so intently involved in coming to complete various projects, visions, and independent studies that were initiated years ago (see my web page: www.empowerment.net/phion, for example). Having my experience in Kalifornia come to a climatic peak, becoming passionately involved with various community collectives, benevolent organizations, and esoteric pursuits--I've come to magically complete all the prophesized visions I had dreamt of years ago. This past spring, having come into a dark and shadowing space--I was again guided through a dream to travel east through the desert, and make my way here. I know not yet why. But here I am now, making a home within myself in Kansas City, Kansas--very inspired to be communicating and sharing with the beauty of you. If you could have the absolute answer to any question, what would that question be? in-no-sense, Mykael 9.99 Kansas City, KS, USA